It has happened. Mr. Joaquin Phoenix has resurfaced since his “retiring from acting” announcement way back in October. If you happened to miss this momentous occasion, it is not too late to familiarize yourself with the situation. Simply click here, and you will be transported back in time.
Although some may claim that Mr. Phoenix chose a different path because of my advice, I will argue again that my blood alcohol content was a 0.78 at the time, and nobody should pay attention to a little bear who has reached that level of intoxication.
It is a fact that little bears with the blood alcohol content of 0.78 have been known to start wars. Remember the Battle of Waterloo? Started by Larry T. Bear during a pleasant conversation with Napoleon Bonaparte. Larry’s blood alcohol content was 0.78 when he said those fateful words to “Ol’ Napster,” as he called him: “See those buggers over there, mate? They says you’re short!”
Anyhow, what disturbs me most about this whole situation is not that Joaquin quit what he clearly excels at to pursue something he has practically no experience in… no, what disturbs me most is the look he has chosen for himself.
Here is a picture of Mr. Phoenix prior to this transformation:
How irritating. He did not even notify me that he was going to steal MY look. I really should consider copyrighting or trademarking my exceptionally exceptional face so that this does not happen again.
Amazingly enough, in an interview with People Magazine last Friday, just as he was ready to take the stage at a Las Vegas club, Joaquin stated, “This is me saying this is who I am. This is my story.” He goes on to say, “After all the years of reading scripts and reading lines, this is my chance to do something straight from the heart and put it out there.”
Then he went on to do THIS:
And THIS:
EGADS.
As for why he decided to go the hip hop route, Phoenix explains, “When I was young I liked punk rock music, but then I discovered rap. I love the storytelling aspect of hip-hop.”
Somebody should tell him that all genres of music have that “storytelling aspect” he so admires. He should pick a genre that he is… well… let us just say that he showed some promise singing as Johnny Cash in that Walk The Line movie… maybe he should go the country route.
If not country, then anything NON-Hip-Hop.
I am still waiting for Joaquin to call me to ask for my thoughts on his performance… oh, wait a second… that is the phone… let me check the Caller ID…
Who the devil is this “B-Bop Pheenyx Phly-Man Jo-Q” fellow?
Oh dear. Talk about timing.
– Good day.
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Holy moly I would not recognize Joaquin if I fell on him looking the way he does now. What is he thinking or not!
Sure hope he’s not partaking any substances like his older brother River did, such talent wasted. Did you know River was quite the musician before he became an actor?
Enjoy yourself Joaquin but eventually you need to come back to reality.
for once, the biggest ass on that stage was not the mural.
The comment above me says it all. lol
The side by side shots are hilarious. And the spill on stage? PERFECT way to end that performance. Oh boy. Sherman, no more drinking!!! This is all YOUR fault!
Sherm honey, you’re too cute of a bear to be compared to that Chia Pet.
I give him 11 more months.
And no wonder Napoleon was pissed off. First, about being told ANYTHING by someone/thing named LARRY. Not even LAURENCE. Second, about being called MATE by said thing. Such Brit’isms would doubtless raise his Gallic ire. But then to be called SHORT! In the words of Bugs: “Of course, this means war.” Or “mais bien sur, c’est la guerre.” (I think.)
Wow!! ICK! I really like him in lots of things..but this? YIKES!! Also…I never put two and two together…I didnt know that he was River’s brother…SHEESH!
Sherman, it’s all been a stunt. Joaquin’s sister Liberty is married to an Afleck brother who’s shooting some documentary/mocumentary/artsy film project.
I dig this factoid out of the dark recesses of my pounding brain, so I guarantee the answer only to be about 80% accurate.
Joaquin was on David Letterman the other night. It was awful. He was allegedly there to promote his lastest movie. The man couldn’t form a coherent sentence and seemed oblivious to everything going on around him. I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t just a prank he’s pulling on everyone or if he’s just losing it.