Have You Been Naughty or Nice?

It is no secret that I am a well-traveled bear. I have stood at the top of K2, swam the depths of the Marianas Trench, and have even danced onstage with Michael Jackson. What? You do not believe me about the Michael Jackson claim?

Feast your eyes on THIS:

Look at me go!!!!

I used to be the lead-choreographer for Jackson’s world tours. I left that position because Michael wanted every number to end with “Jazz Hands,” and frankly, after about three “Jazz Hands” moments, I had had enough.

People often wonder why a little bear (such as myself) needs to travel so much. Well, the answer is simple: I am a needed bear. As you probably already know, I have been a consultant to a great number of celebrities, politicians, kings, queens, barons, dukes, generals, majors, pimps, captains of industry, robber barons, even mythical AND mystical beings.

Like Santa Claus. Yes, Santa Claus.

Sherman & Santa at the World’s Christmas Parade 1995

Every year, Santa contacts me to ask for my help in deciding who is naughty and who is nice. He flies me first class to the North Pole (Santa made the mistake of flying me in coach once, and I got so upset that HE ended up with coal in his stocking) and puts me up in my own suite with 24 hour room service. I usually ask for about a dozen female elves to keep me company, ~~they are AMAZING in bed~~ and I have myself a grand old time.

This year, Santa and I had difficulty finalizing the Naughty/Nice list. We usually see eye-to-eye regarding this matter, but this year, we simply could not agree whether this person got coal or a nice present in their stocking come Christmas morning.

Santa’s “Ho Ho Ho” first turned into “Ho Ho,” then “Ho,” then finally a resounding “Little bear, YOU SUCK.”

I was VERY upset with this and racked up a $9247 phone bill to various 1-900 numbers on Santa’s personal phone line. Mrs. Claus was NOT happy with Santa. I, on the other hand, discovered that I had much in common with a certain Anna “Bang Me” Bella from 1-900-SEXORGY… we are planning on getting together after the New Year so that I can discover just how naughty she has or can be.

Things became exceptionally heated right before the annual Naughty/Nice press conference Santa holds for NPTV (North Pole TV). This is usually when Santa and I triumphantly announce that we have completed the Naughty/Nice list, and that Christmas is a definite “GO” with no further delays. Santa and I usually give each other a big hug, the film crew follows me as I board my plane back to the United States, and all is wonderful.

Well, right before the press conference, Santa comes up to me and says, “Sherman, you owe me an apology for ruining Christmas.”

“How did I achieve this monumental feat?”

“Mrs. Claus won’t believe me that YOU are responsible for that phone bill, and therefore she won’t give me my Christmas quickie.”

“Your lack of a quickie was not because of the phone bill, it was because she was too tired from spending the night with me!”

We walked into that press conference and really did not say much. Santa faked a decent “Ho Ho Ho,” I waved and tried to act as pleasant as I could. I do not think the elf population bought it, though, because when we were asked to pose for a picture, this was the end result:

So now I sit here, wondering if Bill McKenzie of 1572 Tatorama Drive, Idaho, will get coal or a nice present for Christmas. You see, Santa and I did not resolve this last Naughty/Nice issue before I left… so Billy, let us hope Santa rules in your favor.

Are YOU now worried about your Naughty/Nice status? You did not know that I was a determining factor in this decision, did you? Now you are going to be nicer to me, are you not?

I will give you a hint on how I decide who is naughty and who is nice… the nice ones exceeded the $200 mark in Sherman Bear donations.

What was your end total this year?

Tsk, tsk… better start saving up for 2009.

Good day, good luck, and Merry Christmas.
– Sherman