I was surfing the Internet this morning when I came across this article on Yahoo:
Joaquin Phoenix Shocks With Retirement Announcement
Apparently, Joaquin Phoenix is walking away from his very successful acting career to pursue music. Here is what he said in an interview given to E! Online:
I guess his role in Walk The Line (where he played Johnny Cash) inspired him to be a musician. “Once he learnt guitar he found that he had quite a lot of demons inside himself that he wanted to expel through music,” explains Tim Burgess (frontman for the UK group The Charlatans), who is working on Mr. Phoenix’s first album.
Wow. This is NOT what we had discussed.
As many of you know, I am a consultant to many celebrities. They come to me when they are looking for direction in their careers, and more often than not, I suggest a complete makeover.
For example, before Madonna hit it big in the 80′s, she was contemplating putting out a record that “celebrates the carefree life of nuns.” I strongly urged her to go the opposite way and become well, a non-nun. I think that bit of advice worked, would you not agree?
Now, with Mr. Phoenix here, all I told him was, after a night of pure debauchery, “Yeah, man… rock and roll!!!”
I think my blood alcohol content at the time was 0.78.
Seriously, I did not think he would take that parting comment to heart.
I knew he was jealous of Steven Seagal, who had made his own transition into music a while ago. When we hung out, Mr. Phoenix carried with him this picture of Mr. Seagal, constantly referring to it as his “Nirvana.”
If memory serves, I took my last shot of Crown, scratched my “Hoo-Hoo,” stumbled towards the limo, threw up, then waved as I said those words, “Yeah, man… rock and roll!”
Yes, I will have to watch my words more carefully in the future. I often forget that since I am all-wise and all-knowing, people really listen to every utterance from my mouth.
I wish Mr. Phoenix the best, as I really enjoyed his touching performance in Walk The Line. I also hope he finds his “Nirvana.” We all have our demons to exorcise… it is a part of life. I applaud his courage, but next time maybe it is not the greatest idea to take a haphazard comment as advice from a drunk stuffed bear.
I look forward to reviewing it in my “Listen to THIS, Bitches!” column.
Good day.
– Sherman
Popularity: 1% [?]
It is a good thing you offer your expertise to all those celebs out there. What would they do without you?
P.S. Joaquin Phoenix is quite awesome…you did some good work with him up till now.
.78??? How do you fit all that alcohol into that fuzzy little body???
Good luck to Joaquin. Very interesting move. Will be interested to see what type of music he makes.
That’s what folks were always asking me!
I am announcing that I will retire from films also.
Any advice, Mr. Bear?
Cash Rules!
Always Your Friend,
-unc.
Um, could you maybe get drunk and offer advice to a few, more deserving actors on switching careers? With Mr. Phoenix, it is a lamentable loss to film. With some others, though, the leaving of showbusiness entirely and starting a career in, say, medical experimentation or chimney sweeping would be heartily supported by those of us who are forced to see them in movies. I have a list of names. Call me.
That is a going point. I do not know what these people would do without me. I do not know what the WORLD would do without me. I have never pondered that question and I am sure it would take a good 5.3 years to figure it out. Since you brought it up, you do the work. Tell me what you find.
.78 is nothing. You should have seen me last Arbor Day! Now that is a drinking holiday!
First let me ask you this, Unc… are you retiring from your lackluster film career in infomercials or your rather successful career in the Adult Film industry? It would be a shame to lose Uncle “The Shagger” Shag… yes it would.
If anyone on your list were involved in the movie “Premonition,” I would undoubtedly support their move to other careers.
What about you, Sherman. If you could play someone in a movie, who would it be.
He wants to be a REAL musician? OK. That means he gets to move in a UHaul, crash on the couch at other people’s tiny apartments for months, deliver pizzas in his beat-up car with a hole in the floor that his aunt sold to him thirdhand, go to the library to get free Internet, play open mics ignored by half the crowd of 22 cheering for the game on TV, survive on the four basic food groups (peanut butter, pasta, chips and beer) and finally, finally beg his way into PAID gigs where the pay doesn’t even cover the beer. Not even the cheap stuff.
Highly preferable to the millions per year he makes now.
I give him a year.
Man, Sherman, way to fuck it all up.
Joaquin (or “WAH” as I affectionately call him) is such a great actor – I can’t even imagine anyone else as Commardice (sp?) in “Gladiator.” Hell, he even made “Signs” worth watching!
Hopefully his music will be just as good if not better than his acting, then we will all benefit. But I think he’ll miss acting, too.
Sherm, babe, keep your mouth shut, ok?? Next thing we know Leo DiCaprio will be announcing his retirement and will decide to sell Avon or something.
I really like what you had to say here! It\’s about time! Would you mind if I placed a link back from my blog?
I’m curious what Sherman thinks about the recent videos that have come out of Mr Phoenix rapping.